*Also, heja sverige because he's the finest Swedish import since... Ikea!
Heja Sverige!*
*Also, heja sverige because he's the finest Swedish import since... Ikea!
Latrice Muthafuckin' Royale
Words of wisdom like no other from a drag queen.
"I want people to realize that it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to fall down. Get up. Look sickening! And make them eat it."
Things I've Learned From My Exes
I'd always been really lucky in relationships until my last one. Thankfully I've always had doting partners, open communication and equal levels of affection, not to mention emotional footing. Looking back now with glacial clarity, I realize that sometimes two people are just like oil and water--or in the case of my ex and I, gasoline and a huge, blazing fire--and a relationship just wreaks absolute and utter havoc on one or both partners.
The other day while musing at my desk and looking out the window at leaves rattling in the wind, I started thinking about all the things I've learned from my relationships. Each man who has stepped into my life has walked out leaving a lasting impression. Most were good. Few were bad. I think the most important lesson I got out of everything is this: if you are not happy while being alone, do not even dare entering a relationship. You cannot try to make one person your sole source of happiness no matter how much it seems like the easy road out. You have to be strong on your own, even if you are in a new country and feel totally alone (as was in my case).
It absolutely amazes me how shutting just person out of my life has not only made my life return to normal (see: no longer severely depressed), it has also allowed me to spread my wings and fly higher than I ever could before. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed where I was, I would still be wallowing around hollow inside. It is a huge relief and such a lifting of a burden to see immediate positive effects on your life once you completely cut contact with a single person. Because I broke free, I was able to continue with my schooling, land a job in my field and start seriously saving money. A year ago I was despondent. Today I am triumphant.
The other day while musing at my desk and looking out the window at leaves rattling in the wind, I started thinking about all the things I've learned from my relationships. Each man who has stepped into my life has walked out leaving a lasting impression. Most were good. Few were bad. I think the most important lesson I got out of everything is this: if you are not happy while being alone, do not even dare entering a relationship. You cannot try to make one person your sole source of happiness no matter how much it seems like the easy road out. You have to be strong on your own, even if you are in a new country and feel totally alone (as was in my case).
It absolutely amazes me how shutting just person out of my life has not only made my life return to normal (see: no longer severely depressed), it has also allowed me to spread my wings and fly higher than I ever could before. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed where I was, I would still be wallowing around hollow inside. It is a huge relief and such a lifting of a burden to see immediate positive effects on your life once you completely cut contact with a single person. Because I broke free, I was able to continue with my schooling, land a job in my field and start seriously saving money. A year ago I was despondent. Today I am triumphant.
Saving up.
I thought I would take this time out to talk about something that's really important to me but unrelated to the scope of this blog: I'm officially saving up for a house.
After years of hard work, I'm finally in a position where I can save up enough money to make a hefty down payment within the next three or so years. Every penny I make from translations (been freelancing professionally since 2006-ish) goes right into a savings account that I cannot touch, while I live off of my salary from the office.
It has been my dream of dreams to own a historically significant (read: pre-war or pre-WWI[!]) home in New York since I was a little girl. I'm torn between playing it safe and going for a garden apartment in Jackson Heights or a multi-family townhouse in Bedford Stuyvesant. Though Bed-Stuy is not the safest of neighborhoods, the ability to bring it rental income immediately would offset the mortgage (and insane bargains can still be had for brownstones in that area). Also, I really want to own a home with beautiful period details, crown molding, original hardwood floors and a parlor. ;-)
This is the next chapter of my life and I am one thousand percent invested in making my dream of home ownership a reality.
After years of hard work, I'm finally in a position where I can save up enough money to make a hefty down payment within the next three or so years. Every penny I make from translations (been freelancing professionally since 2006-ish) goes right into a savings account that I cannot touch, while I live off of my salary from the office.
 |
| I'll be home soon! Ha. |
This is the next chapter of my life and I am one thousand percent invested in making my dream of home ownership a reality.
Mail Bag
Here's the part where I take a question asked to me anonymously and answer it. I would love to hear your feedback in the comments.
While I will never tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their life, I will say this: no woman deserves to stay with a man who makes her feel degraded in any way, shape or form. Your bedroom is supposed to be a safe place for you to unwind at the end of a hard day, not begrudgingly enter fearful of your next romp and the potential emotional and physical pain it may cause you.
If this is something that really, really upsets you (and I gather it is), it seems to me you have three options.
1. Bring up your concerns in a neutral, non-threatening environment. It's possible that if you bring this up right before or after sex, he's embarassed and clams up or he gets angry because he genuinely thinks you like it. Don't make it into an accusatory discussion. Rather, tell him that you love him very much and while it turns you on to know that you excite him so, you would really like for sex to be less violent. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Try compromising. If he's into Dominance and submission, why not suggesting a pair of gag handcuffs if he promises not to choke or hit you hard? Why not allowing some light spanking (which you like) and using a safeword when it gets to be too much?
3. Leave him if nos. 1 and 2 don't work. You've been together for four months and can bounce back from this. The point is it takes all kinds to make the world go round. If this relationship within the four months it has lived is not satisfying to you in every way, you either make some compromises that leave you both comfortable or just leave.
And remember, if the thought of being handcuffed for him makes you uneasy because you're wondering "what if there isn't a safety latch for me to press?" and you're afraid of what he might do to you, then you know that he isn't the one for you. Good luck and be safe!
I'm a bit lost about what to do with this situation so would love some advice. I started seeing a new guy four months ago. The problem is, he's (what I personally consider) very aggressive in bed.
The sex was nice at first but has kind of degenerated in the last few weeks. He has pulled my hair so hard I've yelped, shoved my face down into a pillow, twisted one of my arms painfully and his hand continually keeps creeping onto my neck and gripping. Every time these things happen I tell him to stop and he apologises, but it seems it's just a normal part of sex for him because in the heat of the moment it keeps happening. I hate it and find it a total mood killer; while I certainly don't mind getting a good pounding or getting lightly spanked, this is way too far for my tastes.
He keeps stonewalling me when I ask him why he does this and just promises it won't happen again. It's so odd as outside the bedroom he is perfectly polite and sweet.
Why would someone do this? More importantly though, is this behaviour that can be unlearned? If so, any suggestions for how (eg. something similar to press his buttons in bed, but that is not so painful or degrading for me)?I am not so much concerned about his proclivities in bed in and of themselves (more on that later) as I am about his total unwillingness to listen to you when you say you feel pain and he refuses to speak about it. That is no way for a boyfriend to behave, let alone a man. Nine tenths of a great relationship and great physical intimacy lies in communication. Being able to turn your partner on using your mind is not only powerful but it also opens the doors to open and honest talk about your boundaries, fears, preferences and vulnerabilites. This and only this is what makes intimacy so truly satisfying in a loving relationship.
While I will never tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their life, I will say this: no woman deserves to stay with a man who makes her feel degraded in any way, shape or form. Your bedroom is supposed to be a safe place for you to unwind at the end of a hard day, not begrudgingly enter fearful of your next romp and the potential emotional and physical pain it may cause you.
If this is something that really, really upsets you (and I gather it is), it seems to me you have three options.
1. Bring up your concerns in a neutral, non-threatening environment. It's possible that if you bring this up right before or after sex, he's embarassed and clams up or he gets angry because he genuinely thinks you like it. Don't make it into an accusatory discussion. Rather, tell him that you love him very much and while it turns you on to know that you excite him so, you would really like for sex to be less violent. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Try compromising. If he's into Dominance and submission, why not suggesting a pair of gag handcuffs if he promises not to choke or hit you hard? Why not allowing some light spanking (which you like) and using a safeword when it gets to be too much?
3. Leave him if nos. 1 and 2 don't work. You've been together for four months and can bounce back from this. The point is it takes all kinds to make the world go round. If this relationship within the four months it has lived is not satisfying to you in every way, you either make some compromises that leave you both comfortable or just leave.
And remember, if the thought of being handcuffed for him makes you uneasy because you're wondering "what if there isn't a safety latch for me to press?" and you're afraid of what he might do to you, then you know that he isn't the one for you. Good luck and be safe!
How to be more confident in bed
Let's face it: we've all got our hangups. What with its photoshopped advertisements, in-your-face advertising and critical and harsh criticism of any lady over size 8 who dares to be curvy (as if!), our society can be a dangerous place for a woman yearning to be free when she is at her most vulnerable.
Indeed many women struggle with overcoming shyness in bed and find themselves constantly wanting to make love with the lights off for fear of their man (or woman!) seeing them in all their glory. For women, being less passive in bed is associated with greater sexual enjoyment as well as a better ability to reach the big O, says a recent study in journal Personal Relationships. So how can a woman learn to take charge, throw the covers off and rock the four posts like it's her job?
Here are some tips on how to release your inner sex goddess:
1. Start slow. So your man wants you to touch yourself during sex? You want to do it too (you naughty minx, you!) but can't get over the embarrassment at the mere thought of letting your hands go down south. So what to do? Try starting slow in an area that isn't as intimidating to you. This could mean instead of going straight for some below-the-belt demonstration, why don't you start by slowly running your fingers through your hair? Get bold and lick a finger, then swipe it slowly and tantalizingly across your lips. Ready for the next step? Run your fingertips up and down your stomach and legs. Next? Tweak your nipples and watch as his jaw drops. Start slow, building up to the payoff. Your partner will approve! I promise.
2. It's all about context. You want to be more vocal about what you like in bed, but approaching the subject while in the act makes your nervous. Why not switching the context up? Try approaching the subject (think: whispering "I'd really love to do that tonight..." while watching a racy scene on TV together) in a situation that is much less sexually charged. Great sex starts with communication and there's no better way to open the lines of dialogue than a conversation in a neutral, non-threatening environment. He'll be receptive and very attentive the next time you get intimate.
3. Use a tool. No, not that tool! Get your hands on a book, website, manual, drawing or whatever you like. Flipping through the pages of a book or scrolling through a website together allows both of you to point out the things that appeal to each of you without having to actually say something like "gee, honey, I'd really love it in the butt tonight." (Not that there would be anything wrong with saying that!)
4. Love your body. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you're beautiful in the mirror. Mean it. Because you definitely are. What's more—if he didn't think so, he wouldn't be in bed with you. Trust me when I say that when you are looking down at your stretch marks, he's just happy you're naked in front of him! Men are pretty awesome like that.
5. Practice good hygiene. We all slip up sometimes. It happens, but try to be as clean as possible so you're not only feeling fresh, you're also less self-conscious when getting into bed. A little sprucing up goes a long way towards easing your mind.
6. Mood lightning. Nobody is saying you need the lights on full blast and a spotlight on your vagina. Dim the lights or shut them all off and light some candles if you want. A little mood lighting never hurt anyone (just ask Oprah).
And when all else fails...
7. Act the part. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Take your man and push him against the wall. While he's driving, slowly slide your hand onto his lap. Walking home from dinner, grab his arm and place it around your waste. Doing little things like that (especially the non-verbal cues of initiation) will start to "train" you until it becomes second nature to not only initiate, but dominate.
Indeed many women struggle with overcoming shyness in bed and find themselves constantly wanting to make love with the lights off for fear of their man (or woman!) seeing them in all their glory. For women, being less passive in bed is associated with greater sexual enjoyment as well as a better ability to reach the big O, says a recent study in journal Personal Relationships. So how can a woman learn to take charge, throw the covers off and rock the four posts like it's her job?
Here are some tips on how to release your inner sex goddess:
1. Start slow. So your man wants you to touch yourself during sex? You want to do it too (you naughty minx, you!) but can't get over the embarrassment at the mere thought of letting your hands go down south. So what to do? Try starting slow in an area that isn't as intimidating to you. This could mean instead of going straight for some below-the-belt demonstration, why don't you start by slowly running your fingers through your hair? Get bold and lick a finger, then swipe it slowly and tantalizingly across your lips. Ready for the next step? Run your fingertips up and down your stomach and legs. Next? Tweak your nipples and watch as his jaw drops. Start slow, building up to the payoff. Your partner will approve! I promise.
2. It's all about context. You want to be more vocal about what you like in bed, but approaching the subject while in the act makes your nervous. Why not switching the context up? Try approaching the subject (think: whispering "I'd really love to do that tonight..." while watching a racy scene on TV together) in a situation that is much less sexually charged. Great sex starts with communication and there's no better way to open the lines of dialogue than a conversation in a neutral, non-threatening environment. He'll be receptive and very attentive the next time you get intimate.
3. Use a tool. No, not that tool! Get your hands on a book, website, manual, drawing or whatever you like. Flipping through the pages of a book or scrolling through a website together allows both of you to point out the things that appeal to each of you without having to actually say something like "gee, honey, I'd really love it in the butt tonight." (Not that there would be anything wrong with saying that!)
4. Love your body. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you're beautiful in the mirror. Mean it. Because you definitely are. What's more—if he didn't think so, he wouldn't be in bed with you. Trust me when I say that when you are looking down at your stretch marks, he's just happy you're naked in front of him! Men are pretty awesome like that.
5. Practice good hygiene. We all slip up sometimes. It happens, but try to be as clean as possible so you're not only feeling fresh, you're also less self-conscious when getting into bed. A little sprucing up goes a long way towards easing your mind.
6. Mood lightning. Nobody is saying you need the lights on full blast and a spotlight on your vagina. Dim the lights or shut them all off and light some candles if you want. A little mood lighting never hurt anyone (just ask Oprah).
And when all else fails...
7. Act the part. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Take your man and push him against the wall. While he's driving, slowly slide your hand onto his lap. Walking home from dinner, grab his arm and place it around your waste. Doing little things like that (especially the non-verbal cues of initiation) will start to "train" you until it becomes second nature to not only initiate, but dominate.
How you can be more sex-positive
Here at No Regret Coquette, I believe that having sex, exploring your sexuality and talking about sex is a great thing. I also believe that advocating for sex education and safe sex is paramount. The term for this set of beliefs is sex-positive, which is the philosophy that all expressions of consensual sex are positive and healthy.
If you want to be truly positive that you're sex-positive, here are some helpful hints to keep in mind. Remember ladies (and gents), practice what you preach!
1. Consent, consent, consent. Consensual acts between two enthusiastic adults are sexy. Many women and men believe in the idea of enthusiastic consent—that is to say, sex only happens when both partners are really into it. This is the model I always try to use. If your boyfriend wants to have sex with you and you're not really feeling like it, enthusiastic consent dictates that he would stop initiating sex until you both are equally in the mood. This might mean a lot more starting and stopping, but it always means that your sex will be enthusiastically wanted by both parties.
This does not mean that even in a culture of consent, sexual assault never happens. This was highlighted by the Consent Culture campaign, which collected stories of sexual assault from various kink and BDSM communities. The founders have also started doing workshops across the United States to try to bridge the divide between "abusers" and "victims." They create a safe space for those who have violated boundaries, those whose boundaries have been violated and lots of tips on how to raise awareness about what it truly means to give consent.
I like what BDSM activist Clarisse Thorn says about consent. When someone turns you down for sex, tell them: "thanks for taking care of yourself." I couldn't have said it any better myself.
2. Know that just because it doesn't turn you on, it doesn't mean it's wrong. This goes without saying. Infantilism, impregnancy fetish, puppy play (it's not what you think!), clown sex, spanking. Get used to it! Just because these sexual practices may be outside the realm of your own repertoire and might give you a strong skeeved out reaction doesn't mean they are inherently wrong. Using this knee-jerk reaction as a morality barometer is not only insensitive, it also has real world consequences. Many sex-positive writers and academians have asserted that it is this knee-jerk reaction that has helped keep LGBTQA people marginalized and make it hard for some women to obtain contraception and abortions.
3. Intimacy is a big deal. For some, sex is nothing if not a physical act. But for the vast majority of people, sex is a big deal and that is a-okay. Sharing your body with can be easy, but it's healthy to acknowledge that sometimes sex is no easy task. Opening yourself up to that type of intimacy can be a big deal and can open up a whole number of emotional doors for someone. If it does, that's totally fine too—there's no need to pretend that you can take the emotions out of sex. And if you're not ready for sex, it doesn't mean you can't find intimacy in other ways. There is absolutely no pressure to find your g-spot each time you have sex nor is there pressure to always orgasm. You can do everything... or nothing at all! At the end of the day, it's all about finding what works for you and not what you feel you have to do.
4. Listen to yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable, it is perfectly okay to stop what you are doing. You should never feel you have to do something to fit in or to please someone else. Going back to number 3, intimacy is a big deal and if you find yourself partaking in a sexual act that makes you genuinely uncomfortable, it's best to stop before it goes any further. To that end, it is perfectly okay to give someone the boot if they consistently try to go beyond your boundaries.
5. Stop glamorizing sex. Being sex-positive also means knowing that you don’t always want to have sex! It also means that for some people, sex is just not enjoyable or exciting and that is perfectly okay too. A truly sex-positive person knows that it takes all kinds of people to make the world beautiful and that includes those who are not interested in sex (the medical term for this is asexual).
In the same vein, talking about your sex life like it is better than someone else’s really brings nothing to the table and does not move a single discussion forward. Nobody’s sex is better or worse than another’s. Take one look at our sex-obsessed advertising to know that this is detrimental: sometimes, sex is truly not the end goal and intimacy may be found elsewhere.
6. Introspection. I’m sex positive so everything I do in bed is healthy and amazing, right? Not always. This is not so much about policing others but more about taking a good look inside yourself. Labeling oneself as sex-positive could be an excuse to avoid looking deeper into issues which may be causing distress or pain. It’s important to dig into your own psyche and think about what sex and intimacy is doing for you. Ask yourself: how do I feel afterwards? Is this making me happy? How can I be safe in all things I do? Does my sex life negatively impact other areas of my life? Remember, being sex-positive isn’t about being a sexual hedonist.
It’s about self-discovery, ethics and emotional development… not just unabashed pleasure seeking.
7. Learn about other people. This is your chance to learn about the struggles of an oppressed community and better yourself in the process. Listen, don’t speak. Go to the library with an open mind or log onto a website ready to learn. Listen in on a support group and make it your business to learn something new every day that can make you treat others with more kindness and understanding. It’s about breaking preconceived notions and proving negative stereotypes wrong. And please don’t judge.
8. Hold politicians accountable for racist, homophobic, sexist and otherwise offensive dialogue. Our societies will never, ever change unless we band together and hold those who hold the power responsible for harmful statements and policies. Remember, statements become policies and policies have direct effect on all of our lives.
If you don’t agree with your local politician’s opinion and would like to open an honest and mature dialogue, why not try writing him/her a letter? Go here to find out how you can contact your local elected official (or even the President if you want!).
Another great idea is to bring together a group of like minded friends and start a club or association at your school. There is always strength in numbers; all it takes is one group of socio-politically aware students to break the tide and open thoughtful, intelligent dialogue to foster better understanding.
9. Stay safe. This goes without saying. Use protection, get tested and always engage in acts that are not harmful to your health in any way.
10. Retire the word “slut” and hang up your robe—you’re not a judge. Slut-shaming means shaming those who are more “out of the box” with their sexuality. It is an ugly word hiding behind an even uglier concept. Let’s face it—it was not cool when Rush Limbaugh called women who take birth control “sluts.”
Eighty percent of American women use some form of birth control. That means the majority of women reading this are, in Rush’s words, “sluts.” See how silly (and not to mention harmful) that argument is? Being against slut-shaming also means believing that women who wear something skimpy aren’t “asking for it.”
When someone says they “feel bad” for women in porn, it’s slut-shaming. When a man posts pictures of his ex-girlfriend engaging in sex acts as a way to degrade her to his friends, that’s slut-shaming (especially when those friends say she “deserved it” for allowing him to take those pictures in the first place). When a girl calls another girl a “whore” for enjoying sex with multiple partners, that’s slut-shaming.
It’s unfortunate that this is the world we live in. Maybe in a hundred years, people can look back on this time and say, “remember when people acted like sexy photos were such a huge deal?” We’re not there yet, though. We need to think more about how to never judge people for putting their sexual selves out there.
Quick ways you can be more sex positive… right now
If you want to be truly positive that you're sex-positive, here are some helpful hints to keep in mind. Remember ladies (and gents), practice what you preach!
1. Consent, consent, consent. Consensual acts between two enthusiastic adults are sexy. Many women and men believe in the idea of enthusiastic consent—that is to say, sex only happens when both partners are really into it. This is the model I always try to use. If your boyfriend wants to have sex with you and you're not really feeling like it, enthusiastic consent dictates that he would stop initiating sex until you both are equally in the mood. This might mean a lot more starting and stopping, but it always means that your sex will be enthusiastically wanted by both parties.
This does not mean that even in a culture of consent, sexual assault never happens. This was highlighted by the Consent Culture campaign, which collected stories of sexual assault from various kink and BDSM communities. The founders have also started doing workshops across the United States to try to bridge the divide between "abusers" and "victims." They create a safe space for those who have violated boundaries, those whose boundaries have been violated and lots of tips on how to raise awareness about what it truly means to give consent.
I like what BDSM activist Clarisse Thorn says about consent. When someone turns you down for sex, tell them: "thanks for taking care of yourself." I couldn't have said it any better myself.
2. Know that just because it doesn't turn you on, it doesn't mean it's wrong. This goes without saying. Infantilism, impregnancy fetish, puppy play (it's not what you think!), clown sex, spanking. Get used to it! Just because these sexual practices may be outside the realm of your own repertoire and might give you a strong skeeved out reaction doesn't mean they are inherently wrong. Using this knee-jerk reaction as a morality barometer is not only insensitive, it also has real world consequences. Many sex-positive writers and academians have asserted that it is this knee-jerk reaction that has helped keep LGBTQA people marginalized and make it hard for some women to obtain contraception and abortions.
3. Intimacy is a big deal. For some, sex is nothing if not a physical act. But for the vast majority of people, sex is a big deal and that is a-okay. Sharing your body with can be easy, but it's healthy to acknowledge that sometimes sex is no easy task. Opening yourself up to that type of intimacy can be a big deal and can open up a whole number of emotional doors for someone. If it does, that's totally fine too—there's no need to pretend that you can take the emotions out of sex. And if you're not ready for sex, it doesn't mean you can't find intimacy in other ways. There is absolutely no pressure to find your g-spot each time you have sex nor is there pressure to always orgasm. You can do everything... or nothing at all! At the end of the day, it's all about finding what works for you and not what you feel you have to do.
4. Listen to yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable, it is perfectly okay to stop what you are doing. You should never feel you have to do something to fit in or to please someone else. Going back to number 3, intimacy is a big deal and if you find yourself partaking in a sexual act that makes you genuinely uncomfortable, it's best to stop before it goes any further. To that end, it is perfectly okay to give someone the boot if they consistently try to go beyond your boundaries.
5. Stop glamorizing sex. Being sex-positive also means knowing that you don’t always want to have sex! It also means that for some people, sex is just not enjoyable or exciting and that is perfectly okay too. A truly sex-positive person knows that it takes all kinds of people to make the world beautiful and that includes those who are not interested in sex (the medical term for this is asexual).
In the same vein, talking about your sex life like it is better than someone else’s really brings nothing to the table and does not move a single discussion forward. Nobody’s sex is better or worse than another’s. Take one look at our sex-obsessed advertising to know that this is detrimental: sometimes, sex is truly not the end goal and intimacy may be found elsewhere.
6. Introspection. I’m sex positive so everything I do in bed is healthy and amazing, right? Not always. This is not so much about policing others but more about taking a good look inside yourself. Labeling oneself as sex-positive could be an excuse to avoid looking deeper into issues which may be causing distress or pain. It’s important to dig into your own psyche and think about what sex and intimacy is doing for you. Ask yourself: how do I feel afterwards? Is this making me happy? How can I be safe in all things I do? Does my sex life negatively impact other areas of my life? Remember, being sex-positive isn’t about being a sexual hedonist.
It’s about self-discovery, ethics and emotional development… not just unabashed pleasure seeking.
7. Learn about other people. This is your chance to learn about the struggles of an oppressed community and better yourself in the process. Listen, don’t speak. Go to the library with an open mind or log onto a website ready to learn. Listen in on a support group and make it your business to learn something new every day that can make you treat others with more kindness and understanding. It’s about breaking preconceived notions and proving negative stereotypes wrong. And please don’t judge.
8. Hold politicians accountable for racist, homophobic, sexist and otherwise offensive dialogue. Our societies will never, ever change unless we band together and hold those who hold the power responsible for harmful statements and policies. Remember, statements become policies and policies have direct effect on all of our lives.
If you don’t agree with your local politician’s opinion and would like to open an honest and mature dialogue, why not try writing him/her a letter? Go here to find out how you can contact your local elected official (or even the President if you want!).
Another great idea is to bring together a group of like minded friends and start a club or association at your school. There is always strength in numbers; all it takes is one group of socio-politically aware students to break the tide and open thoughtful, intelligent dialogue to foster better understanding.
9. Stay safe. This goes without saying. Use protection, get tested and always engage in acts that are not harmful to your health in any way.
10. Retire the word “slut” and hang up your robe—you’re not a judge. Slut-shaming means shaming those who are more “out of the box” with their sexuality. It is an ugly word hiding behind an even uglier concept. Let’s face it—it was not cool when Rush Limbaugh called women who take birth control “sluts.”
Eighty percent of American women use some form of birth control. That means the majority of women reading this are, in Rush’s words, “sluts.” See how silly (and not to mention harmful) that argument is? Being against slut-shaming also means believing that women who wear something skimpy aren’t “asking for it.”
When someone says they “feel bad” for women in porn, it’s slut-shaming. When a man posts pictures of his ex-girlfriend engaging in sex acts as a way to degrade her to his friends, that’s slut-shaming (especially when those friends say she “deserved it” for allowing him to take those pictures in the first place). When a girl calls another girl a “whore” for enjoying sex with multiple partners, that’s slut-shaming.
It’s unfortunate that this is the world we live in. Maybe in a hundred years, people can look back on this time and say, “remember when people acted like sexy photos were such a huge deal?” We’re not there yet, though. We need to think more about how to never judge people for putting their sexual selves out there.
Quick ways you can be more sex positive… right now
1. Buy a handheld mirror and look at your vagina.
2. Get a new sex toy.
3. Talk to your partner about your fantasies.
4. Trust oppressed communities to know what’s best for themselves… and support them.
5. Educate yourself about racism, homophobia, ageism, ableism, cissism and all the other –isms.
6. Reject oppressive language.
7. Draw an erotic picture of yourself or someone else.
8. Go without a bra.
9. Switch up your masturbation habits.
10. Turn sexual abuse or hurt into power with a poetry slam or prose.
11. Read/write erotica.
12. Fuck with gender roles for a day (present as more fem/masc/andro, etc.)
13. Learn to distinguish facts and realities from opinions and anecdotes.
14. Question everything and keep your mind active.
15. Be honest about what you feel and what you need.
16. Learn to walk away when someone hurts rather than uplifts you.
17. Assume people all have positive intent unless proven otherwise.
18. Learn how to think critically.
19. Spend a day naked or sunbathe nude.
20. Ditch partners or friends that judge you for how you look/dress, etc.
21. Find something you love about your body.
22. Go makeup and “primping” free for a week. Reflect.
23. Move your body every day.
24. Eat food that is better for you.
25. Find more ways to laugh and have fun.
26. Apologize for your mistakes and forgive others for theirs.
27. Boost your self worth and challenge yourself by setting obtainable, healthy goals.
28. Reflect on your life, your mistakes and your happiness.
29. Spend time experiencing the beauty of nature.
30. Be kind to everyone… and yourself.
Day one.
While browsing the internet the other week, I came across and ad that seemed deliciously perfect:
“Volunteer sex columnist wanted. All those with an open mind need apply.”
I can do that!—I thought as I jotted down the information before heading out the door for work. My all time favorite guilty pleasure, pipe dream, wish-I-could profession would be in sex therapy. I was determined to apply and be the best little columnist that could.
Alas, the position was not meant to be and by the time I got home it was already filled.
And so I realized I need some other outlet; another venue for my thoughts, ramblings and silly little anecdotes, if you will. I have lots to say and I want to let it out.
And so—no regret coquette was born.
