If you want to be truly positive that you're sex-positive, here are some helpful hints to keep in mind. Remember ladies (and gents), practice what you preach!
1. Consent, consent, consent. Consensual acts between two enthusiastic adults are sexy. Many women and men believe in the idea of enthusiastic consent—that is to say, sex only happens when both partners are really into it. This is the model I always try to use. If your boyfriend wants to have sex with you and you're not really feeling like it, enthusiastic consent dictates that he would stop initiating sex until you both are equally in the mood. This might mean a lot more starting and stopping, but it always means that your sex will be enthusiastically wanted by both parties.
This does not mean that even in a culture of consent, sexual assault never happens. This was highlighted by the Consent Culture campaign, which collected stories of sexual assault from various kink and BDSM communities. The founders have also started doing workshops across the United States to try to bridge the divide between "abusers" and "victims." They create a safe space for those who have violated boundaries, those whose boundaries have been violated and lots of tips on how to raise awareness about what it truly means to give consent.
I like what BDSM activist Clarisse Thorn says about consent. When someone turns you down for sex, tell them: "thanks for taking care of yourself." I couldn't have said it any better myself.
2. Know that just because it doesn't turn you on, it doesn't mean it's wrong. This goes without saying. Infantilism, impregnancy fetish, puppy play (it's not what you think!), clown sex, spanking. Get used to it! Just because these sexual practices may be outside the realm of your own repertoire and might give you a strong skeeved out reaction doesn't mean they are inherently wrong. Using this knee-jerk reaction as a morality barometer is not only insensitive, it also has real world consequences. Many sex-positive writers and academians have asserted that it is this knee-jerk reaction that has helped keep LGBTQA people marginalized and make it hard for some women to obtain contraception and abortions.
3. Intimacy is a big deal. For some, sex is nothing if not a physical act. But for the vast majority of people, sex is a big deal and that is a-okay. Sharing your body with can be easy, but it's healthy to acknowledge that sometimes sex is no easy task. Opening yourself up to that type of intimacy can be a big deal and can open up a whole number of emotional doors for someone. If it does, that's totally fine too—there's no need to pretend that you can take the emotions out of sex. And if you're not ready for sex, it doesn't mean you can't find intimacy in other ways. There is absolutely no pressure to find your g-spot each time you have sex nor is there pressure to always orgasm. You can do everything... or nothing at all! At the end of the day, it's all about finding what works for you and not what you feel you have to do.
4. Listen to yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable, it is perfectly okay to stop what you are doing. You should never feel you have to do something to fit in or to please someone else. Going back to number 3, intimacy is a big deal and if you find yourself partaking in a sexual act that makes you genuinely uncomfortable, it's best to stop before it goes any further. To that end, it is perfectly okay to give someone the boot if they consistently try to go beyond your boundaries.
5. Stop glamorizing sex. Being sex-positive also means knowing that you don’t always want to have sex! It also means that for some people, sex is just not enjoyable or exciting and that is perfectly okay too. A truly sex-positive person knows that it takes all kinds of people to make the world beautiful and that includes those who are not interested in sex (the medical term for this is asexual).
In the same vein, talking about your sex life like it is better than someone else’s really brings nothing to the table and does not move a single discussion forward. Nobody’s sex is better or worse than another’s. Take one look at our sex-obsessed advertising to know that this is detrimental: sometimes, sex is truly not the end goal and intimacy may be found elsewhere.
6. Introspection. I’m sex positive so everything I do in bed is healthy and amazing, right? Not always. This is not so much about policing others but more about taking a good look inside yourself. Labeling oneself as sex-positive could be an excuse to avoid looking deeper into issues which may be causing distress or pain. It’s important to dig into your own psyche and think about what sex and intimacy is doing for you. Ask yourself: how do I feel afterwards? Is this making me happy? How can I be safe in all things I do? Does my sex life negatively impact other areas of my life? Remember, being sex-positive isn’t about being a sexual hedonist.
It’s about self-discovery, ethics and emotional development… not just unabashed pleasure seeking.
7. Learn about other people. This is your chance to learn about the struggles of an oppressed community and better yourself in the process. Listen, don’t speak. Go to the library with an open mind or log onto a website ready to learn. Listen in on a support group and make it your business to learn something new every day that can make you treat others with more kindness and understanding. It’s about breaking preconceived notions and proving negative stereotypes wrong. And please don’t judge.
8. Hold politicians accountable for racist, homophobic, sexist and otherwise offensive dialogue. Our societies will never, ever change unless we band together and hold those who hold the power responsible for harmful statements and policies. Remember, statements become policies and policies have direct effect on all of our lives.
If you don’t agree with your local politician’s opinion and would like to open an honest and mature dialogue, why not try writing him/her a letter? Go here to find out how you can contact your local elected official (or even the President if you want!).
Another great idea is to bring together a group of like minded friends and start a club or association at your school. There is always strength in numbers; all it takes is one group of socio-politically aware students to break the tide and open thoughtful, intelligent dialogue to foster better understanding.
9. Stay safe. This goes without saying. Use protection, get tested and always engage in acts that are not harmful to your health in any way.
10. Retire the word “slut” and hang up your robe—you’re not a judge. Slut-shaming means shaming those who are more “out of the box” with their sexuality. It is an ugly word hiding behind an even uglier concept. Let’s face it—it was not cool when Rush Limbaugh called women who take birth control “sluts.”
Eighty percent of American women use some form of birth control. That means the majority of women reading this are, in Rush’s words, “sluts.” See how silly (and not to mention harmful) that argument is? Being against slut-shaming also means believing that women who wear something skimpy aren’t “asking for it.”
When someone says they “feel bad” for women in porn, it’s slut-shaming. When a man posts pictures of his ex-girlfriend engaging in sex acts as a way to degrade her to his friends, that’s slut-shaming (especially when those friends say she “deserved it” for allowing him to take those pictures in the first place). When a girl calls another girl a “whore” for enjoying sex with multiple partners, that’s slut-shaming.
It’s unfortunate that this is the world we live in. Maybe in a hundred years, people can look back on this time and say, “remember when people acted like sexy photos were such a huge deal?” We’re not there yet, though. We need to think more about how to never judge people for putting their sexual selves out there.
Quick ways you can be more sex positive… right now
1. Buy a handheld mirror and look at your vagina.
2. Get a new sex toy.
3. Talk to your partner about your fantasies.
4. Trust oppressed communities to know what’s best for themselves… and support them.
5. Educate yourself about racism, homophobia, ageism, ableism, cissism and all the other –isms.
6. Reject oppressive language.
7. Draw an erotic picture of yourself or someone else.
8. Go without a bra.
9. Switch up your masturbation habits.
10. Turn sexual abuse or hurt into power with a poetry slam or prose.
11. Read/write erotica.
12. Fuck with gender roles for a day (present as more fem/masc/andro, etc.)
13. Learn to distinguish facts and realities from opinions and anecdotes.
14. Question everything and keep your mind active.
15. Be honest about what you feel and what you need.
16. Learn to walk away when someone hurts rather than uplifts you.
17. Assume people all have positive intent unless proven otherwise.
18. Learn how to think critically.
19. Spend a day naked or sunbathe nude.
20. Ditch partners or friends that judge you for how you look/dress, etc.
21. Find something you love about your body.
22. Go makeup and “primping” free for a week. Reflect.
23. Move your body every day.
24. Eat food that is better for you.
25. Find more ways to laugh and have fun.
26. Apologize for your mistakes and forgive others for theirs.
27. Boost your self worth and challenge yourself by setting obtainable, healthy goals.
28. Reflect on your life, your mistakes and your happiness.
29. Spend time experiencing the beauty of nature.
30. Be kind to everyone… and yourself.
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