Here's the part where I take a question asked to me anonymously and answer it. I would love to hear your feedback in the comments.
I'm a bit lost about what to do with this situation so would love some advice. I started seeing a new guy four months ago. The problem is, he's (what I personally consider) very aggressive in bed.
The sex was nice at first but has kind of degenerated in the last few weeks. He has pulled my hair so hard I've yelped, shoved my face down into a pillow, twisted one of my arms painfully and his hand continually keeps creeping onto my neck and gripping. Every time these things happen I tell him to stop and he apologises, but it seems it's just a normal part of sex for him because in the heat of the moment it keeps happening. I hate it and find it a total mood killer; while I certainly don't mind getting a good pounding or getting lightly spanked, this is way too far for my tastes.
He keeps stonewalling me when I ask him why he does this and just promises it won't happen again. It's so odd as outside the bedroom he is perfectly polite and sweet.
Why would someone do this? More importantly though, is this behaviour that can be unlearned? If so, any suggestions for how (eg. something similar to press his buttons in bed, but that is not so painful or degrading for me)?
I am not so much concerned about his proclivities in bed in and of themselves (more on that later) as I am about his total unwillingness to listen to you when you say you feel pain and he refuses to speak about it. That is no way for a boyfriend to behave, let alone a man. Nine tenths of a great relationship and great physical intimacy lies in communication. Being able to turn your partner on using your mind is not only powerful but it also opens the doors to open and honest talk about your boundaries, fears, preferences and vulnerabilites.
This and only this is what makes intimacy so truly satisfying in a loving relationship.
While I will never tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their life, I will say this: no woman deserves to stay with a man who makes her feel degraded in any way, shape or form. Your bedroom is supposed to be a safe place for you to unwind at the end of a hard day, not begrudgingly enter fearful of your next romp and the potential emotional and physical pain it may cause you.
If this is something that really, really upsets you (and I gather it is), it seems to me you have three options.
1. Bring up your concerns in a neutral, non-threatening environment. It's possible that if you bring this up right before or after sex, he's embarassed and clams up or he gets angry because he genuinely thinks you like it. Don't make it into an accusatory discussion. Rather, tell him that you love him very much and while it turns you on to know that you excite him so, you would really like for sex to be less violent. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Try compromising. If he's into Dominance and submission, why not suggesting a pair of gag handcuffs if he promises not to choke or hit you hard? Why not allowing some light spanking (which you like) and using a safeword when it gets to be too much?
3. Leave him if nos. 1 and 2 don't work. You've been together for four months and can bounce back from this. The point is it takes all kinds to make the world go round. If this relationship within the four months it has lived is not satisfying to you in every way, you either make some compromises that leave you both comfortable or just leave.
And remember, if the thought of being handcuffed for him makes you uneasy because you're wondering "what if there isn't a safety latch for me to press?" and you're afraid of what he might do to you, then you know that he isn't the one for you. Good luck and be safe!
